A poop story from the field. The motherhood field.
Chapter 1: The Beautiful Day
TGIF, it’s been such a long week and today is such a beautiful day. For the first time in almost a week we are living restriction free. No repair men visiting, no meals to cook for others, and no family to visit. Just us. The world is our oyster, what shall we do?
First breakfast, because that is the most important meal of the day and if the minion (and her soon to be sibling, aka minion #2) is not fed well at the start of the day she is a hangry mess the rest of it. I open the fridge and only one egg, sigh. The price I pay for being to lazy to squeeze a store trip in the mist of the chaos that was this week. Looks like good old fashioned pancakes it is because the more carbs and less protein we can squeeze into a meal the better, right?
Breakfast commences and other than the minion demanding more “strawberries” and more “mangos” it was pretty uneventful. Of course she did paint about a handful of peanut butter mixed with a little maple syrup in her hair, but come on she has been wearing pesto in her locks for half the week now and it just helps to add a little moisture right? Besides she will get a bath before bed tonight. It will be fine (insert naive eye batting here).
Chapter 2: The Park
We pile ourselves and the dog into the car and head to the park, because again if the minion does not get enough time in the fresh air there is often an uprising. The park is shady and amazing. Thank you Lord for such a beautiful day. Much like breakfast other than the occasional acorn being consumed by the minion and shoes full of sand it is an enjoyable but an uneventful trip.
After an hour we head home. For the sake of momma’s sanity it is imperative that the minion is fed and laid down to her afternoon nap on time.
Chapter 3: Lunch
Back at the casa lunch appears to be going well; however, the choice of adding black beans to the meal is one I soon regret. The minion is powering them down faster than I can add them to her plate, but it now looks like she has dipped her face is a trough of them. Soon her hands are covered and of course her hair is now encrusted with black beans and well what makes a better brush than a fork covered in food. Here enters that nasty sigh again. It looks like the minion will now need a pre-nap bath, as I don’t think it can wait until bed time. That is unless I want sticky food, well all over everything.
Chapter 4: The Bath (aka the Pinnacle of the day)
The bath starts as uneventful. The water looks a little gag worthy because of all the black bean remnants in it, but I know exactly what it is and get over that pretty quick. The minion plays happily for a while. The pesto, pizza, peanut butter, syrup, and black beans are washed from the hair and she continues to play. I turn away from the tub for .5 seconds and when I turn back my stomach drops. “What is that floating in the tub?” The shock lasts only for another .5 seconds and it is quickly replaced with disgust. Two good size turds (aka the offenders) are staring me in the face. The sight of the floating turds is almost too much for minion #2 to bear and gagging commences again.
Thankfully I was able to reign it in and get the minion out of the tub and wrapped in a towel. I then debate do I want to handle this now or spend the first 15 minutes of my blessed free time while she is napping cleaning up the tub. Well I like to think myself a smart lady (although after the following events I think I may have been deceiving myself a bit) and decide to at least get the offenders out of the tub before nap and will clean after I lay her down. Unfortunately minion #2 wasn’t cool with that plan and upon looking at the offenders floating happily along my tub gagging commences again. Hmmmm, I seem to have a predicament. Okay maybe I will drain the water making them easier to reign in. Nope, the sight of them moving along the tub does it.
I try not to throw up, but know it’s inevitable so quickly turn to the toilet. Unfortunately again a little too late. Projectile vomit on the wall, beautiful. The minion then decides that between the turds in the tub and puke on the wall there are still not enough bodily fluids present in the bathroom. Therefore, while standing with only a hooded towel over her head watching momma throw up and innocently saying “nose” she chooses to pee all over the floor. Brilliant. In so many ways the bathroom now smells like a sewage treatment plant. Which is just what you need for stopping the vomiting.
I finally think I have myself together and turn back to the tub to finish with the offenders when I realized I absolutely do not have it together. The sight of them now resting on the drain and the failed attempt at picking them up with 17 paper towels caused minion #2 to rebel again, only this time more violently than before. I turn and make it to the toilet in time this time, no wall vomit, yea! However, because of the force at which I am puking the once very strong pelvic floor (which thanks to the minion is no longer as strong as it once was) gives way and I also apparently decide there is not enough pee on the floor. At this point I am trying decide if I want to cry or laugh (while still puking by the way). While contemplating this I look over and see the minion playing in her puddle of pee (that I had forgotten to clean up). Yep laughter it is, because seriously what else???
Chapter 5: The Conclusion
Eventually the gagging and puking ceases enough to finish removing the offenders, clean the wall, spray the bathroom down enough with Theives to rid it of it’s smell and any unsanitariness that may have come from the bath time events, and shuffle the minion to her room to get dressed and put her in her crib. Before laying her day I lift a very deep very sincere prayer. “Lord for the love of all things holy, please let this nap be a LONG one. I know you can do it.” (Now we’ll see if I have enough faith to make it happen 😉 Thankfully the minion goes down relatively easy and I can finish cleaning the bathroom. Shower myself and maybe eat a second lunch!